The Candle's Flicker
by BeyondTheClouds777
Summary: "I...DON'T...CARE!" Edward shrieked, voice cracking. "I DON'T! I DON'T!" "You do care," Roy said flatly, firmly, in a voice that left no room for argument. "You care so much you feel you'll bleed to death with the pain of it." – Edward doesn't take the death of the Lieutenant Colonel as well as it seems. (One-shot. Parental!Roy)


**Summary: "I...DON'T... _CARE!"_ Edward shrieked, voice cracking. "I DON'T! I _DON'T!"_ "You do care," Roy said flatly, firmly, in a voice that left no room for argument. "You care so much you feel you'll bleed to death with the pain of it." – Edward doesn't take the death of the Lieutenant Colonel as well as it seems. (One-shot. Parental!Roy)**

* * *

 *****WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH SPOILERS FOR BROTHERHOOD (AND THE '03 SERIES, TOO). READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.*****

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

When Edward walked calmly into the Colonel's office late that afternoon, it didn't take Roy so much as a glance to determine that something was wrong. For starters, Edward didn't walk _calmly_ to _anywhere_ , especially not Roy's office, of all places. If anything, Edward made sure to be especially loud whenever paying a visit to the Flame Alchemist, if just to annoy him.

But something was wrong. The silence left a pit of unease in Roy's gut.

He looked up, elbows on his desk, fingers intertwined and chin resting on his knuckles. Edward wore his usual red trench coat and elevator boots, and his hair was tied back in its usual braid, but something was still wrong.

Something was wrong with Edward's eyes. They seemed...distant. Dull. Tired. Worn. Ever since the first day he met Edward, there had been flames behind the boy's eyes, a fierce, independent, determined fire that refused to be snuffed out.

That fire...it just wasn't there right now.

Roy pretended not to notice. For now. "Fullmetal," he said instead. "What brings you here? If you're here to turn in your report, you're late."

Edward stalked forward, fishing a sheet of paper from the pocket of his trench coat. He smoothed the wrinkles and pushed it across the desk, to Roy. "This is my report," he said flatly. Even his _voice_ was off. "Bye."

He spun on his heel and made for the exit.

"Is that all?" Roy said lowly, and Edward stopped dead in his tracks. "You know, I'm still your superior officer. You should ask for leave rather than taking it yourself."

Edward sucked in a deep breath, then whirled around again, glare owning his face. Roy smirked – falsely – and raised one hand, gesturing to the couch. "Sit. Now."

Edward crossed his arms, but did as he was instructed, storming over and flopping unceremoniously on the couch, kicking one leg up over the other.

Roy let his smirk curve into a frown, lowering his hands onto the desk. "Something's bothering you," said Roy. "Spill it. I don't want to send you on another mission until I can be guaranteed you'll preform your best. If you go dying on me-"

"'The paperwork will be murder', yeah, I know," Edward said flatly, like he was repeating something in front of a class. "You've said it before."

Roy leaned back in his desk chair. "Then I guess I don't have to waste my breath explaining," he said. "Well, go ahead. Answer my question. What's bothering you?"

"Right now?" said Edward, and he looked up, tapping his chin in mock thought. "Right now, the only thing bothering me is your ugly face. If that's all you wanted to know, I'll be taking my leave now."

Roy snorted. If Edward was still feeling up to insulting him (even if the fierceness behind the insults was gone), he couldn't have been too upset. "Fine," he said. "You can leave."

Edward threw up his hand in a salute (something he never did to Roy on a usual day), got to his feet, and made for the door. Roy went back to the papers on his desk, flipping through them, searching for a distraction.

It was then he noticed that he didn't hear the door open. He didn't hear Edward's footsteps anymore, either.

He raised his head. Edward was turned towards the door, one hand on the knob, but he didn't make any move to actually leave the office. Roy sighed, pretending to be aggravated, when he was really merely concerned.

"What is it _now_ , Fullmetal?" he said. "You know you need to open the door before you leave, don't you?"

Edward was silent, still staring thoughtfully at the doorknob. "Would you really think that?" he said quietly, and quite out of the blue, in such a way that Roy resisted the urge to flinch. The confidence in Edward's voice was... _gone_.

But Roy pretended not to notice. If he did, there would be no talking to Edward, because Edward would storm off to avoid answering questions. Instead, Roy simply said, "What, the door? Well, I'm not an idiot, despite popular opinion, Fullmetal-"

"No, not that," Edward said, pivoting to face his superior officer, and this time, there was a cold edge to his voice that hadn't been there before. "If I actually died on some stupid mission, would you really only think about the paperwork? Would that be all you thought about?"

Roy was taken aback by this. He frowned and crossed his arms. "Of course not, Fullmetal," he said, scoffing, like he was offended, even though he was the opposite. "What makes you think-"

"So that's not what you thought when Hughes was murdered?"

Bam.

And suddenly, it all became very clear, and Roy cursed himself for his lack of consideration. For some reason, it never occurred to him that Edward would grieve Hughes' death. He knew Edward would blame himself for it, but, never mourn...

Hughes had been Roy's best friend, ever since they were younger. And now that he was gone, Roy was looking for ways to distract himself, so he didn't think about identifying his best friend's corpse, so he didn't think about what had happened. If he thought about it too much, he'd have to accept that his friend was actually gone, and despite bring was a soldier, who'd taken lives in the past, he wasn't quite ready to accept it yet.

But he hadn't even thought about Fullmetal. He'd completely put the fact out of mind; the fact that Hughes and Edward were good friends, too. Close friends, even, despite the fact Edward complained often about Hughes' annoying obsession with his family.

The question took Roy so off-guard that it took him roughly fifteen seconds before he realized he hadn't yet answered Edward's initial question. As of now, Edward stood, posture stiff, staring down his superior officer, and Roy sat, staring back in quiet, unspoken shock.

When Edward's question finally clicked, Roy jumped to his feet so suddenly the chair was pushed back and toppled over on its side. Edward flinched, but stood his ground, like he always did during a fight.

Roy approached him at a brisk walk, and this was when Edward finally started shrinking back. Roy stopped directly in front of him, and Roy was (painfully) reminded, when realizing just how short Edward was compared to him, that Edward really was just a kid. A kid who shouldn't worry about the people he cared about being murdered brutally. A kid who shouldn't walk with burdens of guild laid on flesh and metal shoulders.

"...Is that what you really think?" Roy said lowly, and though he meant it to come out as an honest question, the only thing that came out was a harsh demand, and he mentally kicked himself – twice.

Edward swallowed thickly. Didn't answer. What could he say?

Honestly, Edward hadn't meant to be so transparent. He'd spent nearly the entire night thinking about what he could have done, the information he could have kept to himself instead of blurting to Hughes. If he'd kept it to himself, Hughes wouldn't have learned too much. Hughes wouldn't have been seen as a threat.

Hughes wouldn't have been killed.

And the comment, about Roy's paperwork, and whether it was all he thought about when it came to Hughes' death...that had come out of _nowhere._ He hadn't meant to say it at all. It'd just slipped out, in a moment of vulnerability, and now, he had no idea how he was supposed to respond to Roy's question.

So he stayed quiet, looking down at his feet. He'd been living with this guilt for too long, but he wasn't going to let his sorrow show. Not now, not ever. Especially not in front of this stupid, idiotic Colonel.

"Fullmetal, why... _why would you think that?"_ Roy's voice was surprisingly quiet, and Edward was taken back – not that he let it show. He wouldn't let it show. He refused to, like he always did.

"Because that's all you've ever cared about!"

Great. He just _had_ to run his mouth. He always did _that_ , too. And his problem was once he started, he couldn't stop, and as thoughts poured into his mind, words tumbled from his mouth.

"You always care about your job, and that's all!" Edward shouted, backing up, ducking, anything to keep away from Roy's piercing gaze. "You only care about rising the ranks and making yourself look good! You don't care about anyone but yourself! You don't care about your subordinates, you don't care about Hughes, and you don't care about me, or my brother!"

 _Shut up shut up SHUT UP,_ he told himself.

But he'd always been a poor listener, even when it came to his own demands. And anyways, it was too late now. The words were out and there was no taking them back. He could only stand there, staring at the ground, hoping he didn't look as pathetic as he felt.

"...Fullmetal..."

Roy raised one hand towards him. Involuntarily, Edward freaked. "No!" Edward shouted, backing up further, until his back pressed against the wall. "You stay away from me! Stay away!"

Roy's hand landed on his shoulder – his automail shoulder – and he froze, sucking in a sharp gasp. He didn't know why he felt so...so... _helpless_. He was never helpless. The Fullmetal Alchemist _couldn't_ be helpless. He was a prodigy, a State Alchemist, the Hero of the People, he couldn't...he couldn't be vulnerable, he couldn't...he just couldn't...

Roy suddenly knelt in front of him, and the two were eye-level for the first time. And also for the first time, Edward saw traces of something wet...not tears, they couldn't be tears, right?...glistening in Roy's eyes.

"I do care," Roy said, and Edward was shocked into silence yet again. "I care, so much." Roy paused, taking a breath.

This was enough. Edward jerked back and finally snapped, pent-up grief and fury lacing together in one giant explosion.

"I don't care!" Edward yelled. "I don't care what you say, you jerk! I don't!"

Roy looked at him, still kneeling, never once moving to stand, and Edward wished he would move, slap him like he'd done after Maria Ross, shout at him like he had on so many other occasions, because Edward could handle that, but he couldn't handle this silence. He couldn't handle the grief on Roy's face.

"You know that's not true," Roy said.

Edward still didn't want to believe it. He was sick of being the tool in someone's twisted game. He was tired of watching the people he cared about getting hurt, or dying altogether. He was tired of being jerked around, tired of being bossed about, tired of being guilty, tired of mourning, tired of grieving.

He was tired of trying so hard to put up a facade. And now, that facade was crumbling, and there wasn't a thing he could do about it.

"I...DON'T... _CARE!"_ Edward shrieked, voice cracking. "I DON'T! I _DON'T!"_

"You do care," Roy said flatly, firmly, in a voice that left no room for argument, and Edward snapped his jaw shut with an audible _click_ of his teeth. "You care so much you feel you'll bleed to death with the pain of it."

Edward opened his mouth. Shut it. Tried again. Snapped his teeth together. Because Roy was right. He was _right_.

Edward pressed himself further against the wall, hoping he didn't have to speak, because he didn't trust his voice not to betray his emotions. His eyes burned furiously, but he refused to let his tears fall, for now, though he didn't know how long his composure would last.

Roy put both hands on his shoulders now, and Edward instantly tried jerking back, but Roy held fast. "L-Let go of me, jerk!" Edward demanded halfheartedly, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to wrestle out of Roy's grip. "Let go of me!"

"Fullmetal, I need you to listen."

"No, I don't want to hear it! No! Let me go!"

"Edward, _listen to me!"_ Roy suddenly shouted, giving Edward a hard – _very_ hard – shake that finally jostled the young boy back to reality. Edward froze, eyes going wide, staring into Roy's face.

Roy had called him Edward.

Not kid. Not shorty. Not Fullmetal. Not Major Elric.

Just... _Edward_.

Himself.

Not who he became, not who he pretended to be, but _actually himself._

And this shocked him more than he wished to admit.

Roy lowered his head and shut his eyes briefly, hands still tight around Ed's shoulders. "Just...hear me out," Roy said. "Please."

Roy never asked nicely. Roy never said please, not to him. Roy never sounded so concerned.

Edward nodded shakily, too frightened to do otherwise.

"I want you to close your eyes," Roy said.

Edward sniffed and shook his head halfheartedly; his stubbornness was the only thing left intact. "No, this is stupid," he said, "I don't want-"

"Just do it," Roy insisted, and Edward shut his eyes. "I want you to picture a candle," Roy said, "on a black backdrop. Alright?"

Edward swallowed and nodded.

"Alright," Roy said. "Now, I want you to focus on the flame. Nothing else. Just the flame. Nothing matters but the flame. Keep it lit. Don't let it go out."

"...'Kay..."

And he did just that. He pictured a tiny candle with a tiny flame against a huge void of darkness., and he focused on the small light. His mind drifted a few times, to previous fights and memories of death and loved ones, but every time it did, he forced it back to the candle. That tiny candle in a vast array of shadows.

And slowly...he found himself calming down. He didn't realize just how harshly he'd been breathing until now, when he felt the weight raise, if slightly, from his chest. His breath came easier now, more natural. He wasn't forcing air into his lungs anymore. He wasn't panicking. He wasn't fuming.

He finally let his guard down. For the first time in so many years, he left himself vulnerable. The word he previously hated now defined his current state.

And now that his defensive wall was gone, the memories really flooded in. Hughes welcoming him and his brother to stay with him and his family, when they had nowhere else to go. Hughes visiting him in the hospital, after the incident at the Fifth Laboratory. Hughes taking the time to meet with him in the Library. Hughes always treating him like he was a part of his family, welcoming them in with open arms, always, _always_ , so compassionate.

 _And he was gone_.

He didn't notice his tears until he was choking on them. He didn't realize the pain in his chest had returned until he couldn't breathe.

And he didn't remember Roy's presence until the man had pulled him into a fierce, protective embrace.

He stiffened, without meaning to, but Roy didn't pull away. And neither did Edward. He was a little too shocked to move at all, even if he'd wanted to. He'd never been hugged like this by anyone like this before, as though by a father, and it shocked him to the core. He wondered if this was what it was like.

He couldn't remember ever being hugged by his father, and even if he did, he would regard the memory with distaste and bane; his father had run out on him, his little brother, and his mother. Edward didn't even regard the man as his father.

But...if he _had_ been hugged by his father, and if he _hadn't_ hated his father so...he wondered if it would be anything like Roy's embrace.

He paused, and then decided that it would. And even if it wouldn't, it didn't matter. Roy's embrace was good enough.

He didn't realize he had been hugging back until Roy released him and held him by the shoulders at arm's length. For a while, they remained in silence, Roy kneeling and Ed standing, rubbing his eyes to ebb his tears.

"Sorry," Edward said in a strained voice that hardly sounded like his own. "I just...I never knew you were such..." He paused, scrubbing furiously at his eyes, and let out a small, hoarse laugh.

Roy frowned. "Such a what?"

"Such..." Edward paused, and he laughed weakly again, wiping remaining tear tracks off his face. "Such a...such a... _softy_."

Roy cuffed him lightly upside the head, but there was mirth in his light slap. "Keep it to yourself, Edward," he said with mock warning laced in his tone.

"Right," Edward said with a small nod. "And...could you...could you maybe not tell anyone I was crying? I don't want them to know."

"Crying?" Roy said, and this time, it was confusion in his voice. "I didn't see anyone crying, Fullmetal. Just an unfortunate rainstorm."

"Rainstorm," Edward said. "But we're indoors-"

Roy held up one finger, and Edward silenced himself. "Rainstorm," Roy said firmly in a voice that left no room for argument, and Edward finally caught on to the Colonel's words.

"...Right," said Edward, lowering his head to hide his feeble smile. "Rainstorm. Okay."

"Okay," Roy agreed, and he rose to his feet, leaving one hand on Edward's shoulder. "You alright now, Fullmetal? You won't go dying on me if I send you on a mission, will you?"

A bit of fire returned to Ed's golden eyes, and he flashed a halfhearted (but no less wild) grin at Roy. "Don't worry," he said. "There's no way I'm dying before you do. But still, that doesn't give you permission to die, because if you do, I'll personally make whatever afterlife there is living hell for you when I get there, Colonel Sarcasm."

"I'll keep that in mind next time I decide to do something reckless," Roy said with a bemused frown. He spun Edward around with the hand on his shoulder and gave him a shove towards the door. "You may take your leave now, brat."

Brat. Colonel Sarcasm. They were back to their bizarre nicknames. All was well. "I think I will," Edward said, and he made for the door, reaching out one hand to turn the knob.

But at the last second, he paused and looked back, and so did Roy.

"Hey, Colonel...I was wondering...who taught you that?" Edward said, raising his head.

"Taught me what?"

"The candle thing, who told you about it?" Edward clarified, pivoting to face his superior officer. "I doubt you came up with it yourself. I mean, I know you're the Flame Alchemist and all, but I still don't think you're smart enough, y'know?"

Roy smiled, sadly and tiredly, but honestly. "You're right, I didn't come up with it myself," he said.

"Then who did?"

"Hughes did," Roy said. "After the Ishvalan Civil War, he was the only one who could get me to snap out of it when I suffered from traumatic stress. He was the one who came up with it. After a while, he started calling it 'Candle's Flicker.'"

Edward sighed. It seemed Hughes was still there for him, even now. "Right," he said, turning his gaze back to the door with a small, feeble (but honest) smile. He then turned back again and threw that same smile over his shoulder at Roy. "Well..." Edward said, "I'll have to thank him someday. For a lot of stuff."

Roy smirked softly. "Yeah," Roy said with a nod. "Me too."

And as Edward stalked out of the office and set down the hall, his steps felt just a little bit lighter.

* * *

 **Author's Notes:**

 **...Yes, I did get a few lines from Harry Potter. JK Rowling's writing is just too good to pass up. Actually, this entire fic was inspired by Harry's line to Dumbledore in Order of the Phoenix after (BEEP: SPOILERS!)'s untimely death. The dialogue in Rowling's OotP was just too good to pass up.**

 **I just wanted to say that before people started pointing it out to me in the comments, because you guys are hard to trick; I know someone would figure it out, and I wanted to give Rowling credit for those lines, anyway, because they don't belong to me.**

 **Heck, this is FANFICTION, _NONE_ of this belongs to me! -_-**

 **Fine. Meh. :/ _Meh_. **

**I hope you enjoyed it! :D Drop me a review if you fancy! Give me constructive criticism (but ONLY constructive criticism; all flames will be directed to Mr. SPARKY SPARKY BOOM MAN aka The Flame Alchemist because he ain't takin' crap from NO ONE) if you want, too! I love hearing things that can make me a better writer! :D**

 **And I have not proof-read this one-shot yet, so if you find any errors, let me know, alright? I'll fix them as soon as my high school allows me (yay high school *lame streamers*)**

 **Anyways, cheers, everybody! CHEERS! ("Oh snap, snap! Spark, spark! It's time to light up the diggy-diggy dark!")**

 **-BeyondTheClouds777**


End file.
